Four More Years? Yes, He Can.

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We can acknowledge that history repeats itself in our human society here on Earth. Those who weave a successful future usually have studied history well and focused on what worked well so that they can ensure a positive outcome in their own lives. Enter here: President Barack Obama. This man has played the cards of political fate with such precision that he is securing his legacy as our POTUS (President of the United States) and tenure for four more years until 2016.

I was unable to watch his State of the Union address earlier this week but was able to read the transcript. You can go to this link for its entirety in text form: http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/stateoftheunion2011.htm

Whatever your political bend is, you must realize and note that President Obama is effectively taking a page out of President Reagan’s playbook of how-to when the Executive Branch no longer holds dominance on Capitol Hill. House Speaker John Boehner will be Mr. Obama’s Tip O’Neill.

As the media mix of cable networks, radio and freelancers that blog like myself churn away with our opinions and rebuttals, the fact remains that the American people overall only care to cling to a positive, unifying message. The mad cocktail-gone-bad that has been our economy for the past several years has left many in our nation overall depressed and disillusioned about what’s ahead. This has helped to spark more passion in our political parties—so much so that we had a change in power in the House of Representatives was quickly reversed this past fall after the Democrats had it only since the infamous fall of the GOP in mid-term elections 2006.

I noticed that President Obama’s tone of rhetoric changed shortly after the mid-cycle elections, perhaps he was grounded by the returns that election night or maybe he just understood that it was now his time to truly shine as a leader despite what the balance of powers was between the Executive and Legislative branch. For those watching closely, Mr. Obama did ram through a few costly and liberal-themed things immediately after becoming our current POTUS. This was a smart calculation as he was able to establish some items before there were any repercussions from either Democrats or Republicans.

Further, by weathering the political upheaval this past fall with a tactful concession, he is able to cover over any long-standing effects that will be due to his decisions since he was sworn in. In part, by applauding and accepting that American wanted to be heard, he has encouraged us to look forward to trying to change our current predicament of a slump economy in need of jobs and debt removal.

His State of the Union address this week speaks directly to all of us Americans who are choosing to ignore the Wall Street hyper-talk and economic rumblings of demise. He is able to capitalize on the recent Tucson, Arizona shootings tragedy in a positive manner by rallying the nation to embrace what we ought to strive for as one of the major world powers.

I offer these lines from President Ronald Reagan’s first State of the Union address to the nation on January 26, 1982 : “A year ago, Americans’ faith in their governmental process was steadily declining. Six out of 10 Americans were saying they were pessimistic about their future. A new kind of defeatism was heard. Some said our domestic problems were uncontrollable, that we had to learn to live with this seemingly endless cycle of high inflation and high unemployment.
There were also pessimistic predictions about the relationship between our administration and this Congress. It was said we could never work together. Well, those predictions were wrong. The record is clear, and I believe that history will remember this as an era of American renewal, remember this administration as an administration of change, and remember this Congress as a Congress of destiny.”Read more: State of the Union Address: Ronald Reagan (January 26, 1982) — Infoplease.com http://www.infoplease.com/t/hist/state-of-the-union/195.html#ixzz1CIwQgnAS

Couple those words with our current Commander-in-Chief: “What comes of this moment is up to us. What comes of this moment will be determined not by whether we can sit together tonight, but whether we can work together tomorrow. I believe we can. I believe we must. That’s what the people who sent us here expect of us. With their votes, they’ve determined that governing will now be a shared responsibility between parties. New laws will only pass with support from Democrats and Republicans. We will move forward together, or not at all – for the challenges we face are bigger than party, and bigger than politics.”

Amazing isn’t it? Not much has changed but that is to our advantage because it means we always can choose whether to tackle our future or not. President Barack Obama is a great example of a man who although has faults and maybe even some fraudulence to his character, he embraces what has worked throughout the centuries—a positive message repeated in simple terms will often mobilize the masses to accomplish great things.

God Bless America.

RVSB

Book Review and My Personal Reactions: “In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

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To begin my small book review and personal reaction I would like to quote Dr. Schlessinger’s Preface for “In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms”: “With appropriate apologies to Shakespeare, I come to praise at-home moms, not to bury full-time working moms. This is not another missile attack in the ‘mommy wars,’ nor is it debate on day care versus mommy care.” These were literally the first two sentences that I read in this book and they served to immediately allow me to enjoy and finish her work in less than a week.

I received the book as a Christmas gift from my husband and appreciated it but in the haste of the holidays and family in town I never looked at it until one of my exhausted and depressed evenings last week. I guess I was a little skeptical at what this Dr. Laura would have to say. In truth, I’ve not listened to her radio show nor read much of her writing expect for excerpts from folks that don’t have glowing feelings for her in the mainstream media.

After ingesting this book I believe it’s a great book for all types of mothers out there, not just those whose full-time position is regarded as SAHM (Stay-at-Home Mom), homemaker, CEO of the Home or my favorite per one of my girlfriends: domestic goddess. She breaks it down into several chapters including poignant sections like: “The Decision, How Staying at Home Impacts the Marriage, The Good the Bad the Unforgettable”.

Overall the style of “In Praise-“ is conversational and has many transcripts and letters from her radio show and correspondence of listeners and readers. It is a strange comfort to read other women’s struggles with leaving the career-driven workforce for what can seem to be mundane housework, child care and certainly no financial rewarding reviews at the end of each pay period.

It was also refreshing to learn of Dr. Laura’s odyssey to becoming a SAHM herself during her life. It was reminiscent of my own experience and those of many of my girlfriends and colleagues in general. She was educated, went on to pursue a path of career excellence and in the course of it all found that even the markers of secular/business success were not “completing” her personhood. A comical reflection on watching the old PBS NOVA 60 minute presentation on the miracle of life is what finally propelled her to seek what ultimately brought her joy, albeit not perfection and not always happy times, but true completion as woman, wife and mother.

Although I was married nearly 8 years when my first child was born I still consider myself a late-bloomer to being a self-professed CEO of the Home and full-time wife and SAHM. I was simply petrified to follow somewhat closely in my own mother’s footsteps of having children at an early age as a young woman in my twenties. It’s as if I felt I needed to rack up respect or evidence that I was competent in “real life” in the full-time workforce. This brings me to Dr. Laura’s Chapter Two: The Stay-at-Home Mom’s Inner Struggles. “The older you are when you decide to marry and have children, the more ingrained you are with your own habits, and the more control you’ve been used to having over your own life…It was remarkable to me that something that barely weighed anything, couldn’t roll over on its own, couldn’t feed itself, and couldn’t talk to me literally ruled me, my husband, our time, and our home…There were days I didn’t shower until my husband came home”.

The dirty little secret for many of us SAHMs is that although our regret ratio is low, we still battle our inner doubts, our jealousy of our husbands and colleagues who have kid-free workdays and the loss of income that is especially felt if we had once enjoyed the cushion of being DINKs (double income no kids). Dr. Laura doesn’t mince words to this truth and share many experiences from her own life as well as other women who have shared their lives.

Undoubtedly the most impacting part of this small book were the tidbits sharing tender interactions between mother and child/children or quoted words from the children of SAHMs or their own written words. I was even more floored when I read about a mother who wasn’t a SAHM but then became one later during her son’s young life: “He handled it all so well, never complained when he had to be shipped off to another location or do things he didn’t want to do. It was the greatest gift to give him when I told him I would be home all the time to take care of him. He became less stressed, happier, calmer, and more loving. He could actually have a childhood with friends, play dates, and join things if he wanted. I will never regret staying home. Wish I could have done it sooner, but it’s never too late to make your child a priority…”

I realize by sharing this book review and personal reaction piece that I risk making some of my female colleagues feel certain emotions that may not be positive, perhaps downright hostile or defensive. Yet I would rather risk this because as my own life journey has taught me, there is nothing like being there for my child and husband even though we at the moment don’t even have our own personal living space. It is not the easiest and many times seems like it lacks any rewarding element—especially as my 33 week pregnant self with our second child fatigues easily. However, there are moments that I am able to witness and relay to my husband that I would otherwise miss if cloistered away in my work office during my son’s active days.

A final note on Dr. Laura’s book “In Praise-” is that even those women who are without children or unmarried can benefit from reading it as there are great pieces of advice on how to prepare for life as a SAHM—even though the reality is you can never be fully prepared for the ride it truly is when it occurs. Another touching shared experience from Dr. Laura’s book: “My son proceeded to tell me that he’s glad that I don’t work because at the CDC (child day-care center) you don’t get to do whatever you want, like go to the fridge to get a snack or go to your room to play with your toys, which he enjoys immensely after a long, structured day at school. He continued with, ‘Mom, do you know why I like to be in the kitchen so much?’ I replied that I didn’t and could he please tell me. My adorable son then went on to tell me that it’s because I’m there”.

Does Dr. Laura ‘preach’ that once you’re a SAHM you can’t take on any work that brings a paycheck to the household?—of course not, she herself still worked on her radio show, the caveat being that she went to the studio after her son had gone to bed for the evening. I myself am hashing out this blog piece at a start time of 4:57am on a Thursday morning; my track record usually is after my little man has passed out in the evenings when my own thought processes are delirious at best.

I encourage you to read this book if possible, especially if you have decided to take on the now-taboo work title of “homemaker, stay-at-home mom”. We need to remember that although the feminist era in the 20th century may have given us some freedoms and allowances, they also did us a disservice by trying to convince us that “quality time” with our children is better than “quantitative time”—try to teach your child or children that when they recall their childhood one day and either remember you being there during the good and bad times or just the “quality times”.

RVSB

Video/Computer Games: Drug of Choice

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After the blitz of the holiday season, I have several rants bouncing about in my rattled mind. Perhaps I’m a bit raw since I have an extremely active toddler (whose toddler isn’t active?), however, there must be some logic behind my recent annoyance with video/computer game usage in close proximity to my child and I.

Full disclosure that I do come from the generation that was enchanted by the Atari home game system, original Nintendo and Sega Genesis. As such, I was exposed to this form of entertainment and even at one point in time was familiar with some of the popular games. I’m not trying to be a hypocrite when being critical in the following diatribe.

Gaming has blossomed into a full-scale entertainment world of its own, complete with movie trailers that advertise the next best program. Obviously there have been some major advances in this medium since the 80s and 90s last century including connecting people throughout the world on the internet to play with each other on many different game options.

I’ve witnessed college students who are either engrossed heavily in a game system or just socially play during their down time (wish we had that downtime these days!). My husband and I lived and worked in the Washington DC area where we had friends that he would occasionly enjoy the latest NCAA or NFL football video game–and these were guys working at high levels in Congress, Executive Branch and other areas of our nation’s government.

As alcohol, caffeine and nicotine are drugs that are deemed legal for those of the appropriate age in our American society, I sense that this gaming culture offers similar psychological and physical enticements to people of all ages (whether or not a game is age-appropriate or not). In fact, I also believe that just as the aforementioned drugs can adversely affect one’s social and family life when used in excess, the same is true for video/computer games as a drug of choice.

In the past month or so, I have been in close contact with persons close to me who play these games. I have been both cheered and revolted as I’ve tried to keep my son from exposure. Thank you to the family member who would immediately turn off the TV when playing a violent shooter game after my son and I walked through the door. No thank you to those who are so engrossed that they forget who’s around and even when made aware continue to inhale a worthless usage of their time.

Again, let me stress to any who may be offended at reading my scathing words that I’m not declaring that these video/computer games should never be played. Yet, considering them as a drug of choice, I do think that people need to evaluate why they do play them and examine closely to make sure that they aren’t doing themselves or others around them harm by spending hours a day on them.

I once played video games on a weekend here and there while a student but as life’s gates opened in my early twenties I personally reached a point where I stopped nearly altogether any sort of gaming-save for some tic-tac-toe type game when in the dead office hours during my desk job days. We have so much coming at us these days, I can’t fathom how people can and do spend so much time voluntarily glued to a screen when they walk away with nothing but a digital experience that fades until the next drug-like high, level reached, shooter game conquered, et cetera.

My message to those young people who are in college or freshly minted young adults aquiver with opinions and protests about how our society is so poisonous, politics are horrible and the complaints go on: STOP wasting your mind then on these games when out of your mouth you disdain the world around you that you seem to ignore and avoid when investing your precious time and mind energy on useless video/computer game outcomes.

To my colleagues who are parents: beware for your children, include gaming as just another drug you need to be aware of. You know what’s best for your child/children, I will not dictate what you should consider doing. I will share with you that although my children may hate me at times, I am willing to risk that hatred as my husband and I have decided that there will be zero tolerance in our home for video games. It means I’ll be very exhausted in coming years but safeguarding the development of their personal discipline habits, imagination, verbal and social skills will be worth every wrinkle and gray hair I develop.

R.V.S.B.

Twenty and Thirty-Somethings: Lost and Stockless

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As we’re barreling into the new year, finances are on many of our minds. In my personal experience, I’m continuously humbled by the state of our family’s budget. The more I focus on it and work at trying to help us save more and invest wisely, I find that we’re still making ends meet paycheck-to-paycheck and not able to invest at all.

I thought we were simply inadequate or careless until I began to pick apart all our expenses and found that overall we are trying our best and yet look like a hamster running in a confined wheel. Then I read an article in the January/February issue of Money magazine that stopped my loneliness in its tracks. You can research this magazine at http://www.cnnmoney.com and if you’re able to pick up a copy of this issue, the title of the article is: “The Young and the Riskless” by Hibah Yousuf and Penelope Wang.

The article goes into the latest startling statistics including the Investment Company Institute’s stat that “only 34% of people under the age of 35 say they’re willing to take substantial or above-average risks in their portfolios” and Merrill Lynch’s recent survey that found “more than half of those 34 and younger described their risk tolerance as low.

The reasoning behind such statistics and trends in our twenty and thirty-somethings is fairly simple and understandable. I call it a perfect storm that evolved over the past decade or more. It all began with the dot.com bubble burst, followed by the mind-numbing events of 9/11 with the housing market bubble and subsequent burst only to be followed by what could be termed as a domestic market meltdown that spread to the rest of the world markets in its peak 2008-2009. For those of us who graduated college only to be greeted with the white-collar antics of Enron or the hiring freezes by companies paralyzed by terrorism and Wall Street market volatility fears, you better believe that there is a part of us that would much rather trust a ceramic piggy bank than put any spare dollars into other’s hands and fates’.

Then there is the other obvious trait that plagues this group and that is the stunning realization that many of us are surviving paycheck-to-paycheck and then some are also buckled down by debt repayments, upside-down mortgages or trying to just save some money. We may not have the same experiences as those who grew up in the Great Depression era who went on to become America’s “Greatest Generation”, yet I would argue that we’ve been damaged in our own right by disillusionment in the financial system as well as work establishments.

What to do then? Should we fold it up? Blame the Baby Boomers above us or immerse ourselves in distractions (TV, video games, social networking) that numb the pain of the financial muck most of us are in if we aren’t privileged by independent wealth?

My goal is to be as productive as possible in helping others whether by deed or even little money helps like tipping service workers like waitresses well…I also strive to be creative with how I spend/save/invest money and hopefully I can help my own family to tread through these uncertain waters of our times where entire governments carry debts so outstanding that my own unborn child shall have debt due upon his first breath.

R.V.S.B.

President Obama: The Pragmatist

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Note: This is a short blog post and yet a very hefty one in subject matter.

President Obama is beginning the gradual and effective process of becoming a pragmatic leader of the United States that will help him ensure re-election in 2012.

When reading or watching liberal press coverage, however, you may get the sense that there is a backlash on the President and indignation that he has gone back on campaign promises.  The reality though is that by agreeing to things like the current tax cut extension in Congress as asked by the Republicans and such, Mr. Obama is cleverly setting up Democrats to continue having the power of the Executive branch for years to come.

RVSB

Smart Phones: Dumbing and Numbing Parents and Children Alike

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PART ONE

In full disclosure, if you don’t know me personally, I will admit that I have always had a love-hate relationship with technology in its countless forms in both the 20th and 21st century.

In the last two decades of my life alone, I’ve witnessed our dependence and lust grow for the personal computers, internet usage, cell phones and now the latest tech combo plate menu item: smart phones.

As a wife and mother who juggles her little family and extended family’s needs as well as the drive to stay connected to friends and current events, I can’t say that the advent of these multi-tasking devices (my favorite is the blackberry) hasn’t helped me.  But lately, I find myself forcefully putting my blackberry into my purse or even leaving around in the house or car because my heartburn is growing as I witness the gap these devices are contributing between parents and our children.

I can speak to the infant and toddler experience in parenting as my son T.A. is 2 years old and I’m expecting our second. 

PLAYGROUNDS

Why on earth are you engrossed in your phone during your child’s playtime either at an inside or outside playground?  I’m not talking about the occasional “checking the time” or “who’s calling/texting” and such.  I’m talking to the dad I saw the other day who was utterly consumed in his blackberry while his child wrecked havoc on others as well as himself.  I’m recalling the mother whose little girls were trying to get her attention outside while she chatted away on the phone and didn’t even take a break to let them know why she needed to take such an important phone call (I hope it was).  Yes, I sound harsh and I am the first to admit that I’ve had to answer the phone or reach out to someone–but the difference is I make it a point to communicate this to my son  before, as and after I do it.  You see, they still absorb everything we do, as young toddling ones did hundreds of years ago…the only difference now is we have these gizmos that cast this weird silence upon them when we get lost in using them for both good and bad reasons.

Again, I’m not saying you should never have these phones/devices out while with your children in a playground setting.  I’m just trying to suggest that it’s probably not necessary that we do and I’d rather we spend our attention on our children as one day they’ll be grown and won’t ever need as much as they do now–how critical it is that we don’t become that absent parent while physically present.

APPS FOR DISTRACTION

Who hasn’t been frazzled by their child’s behavior at a restaurant, place of religious worship, et cetera?  I have used our digital camera at an eatery before to help squeeze out the final course or conversation with those at the table–as a last resort. 

A couple of weeks ago, though, I read an article about how parents pacify their children during card rides with phone apps varying from games to videos.  I also witnessed a mother at my church who had her toddler holding her smart phone with a video during a children’s history event on our Greek OXI day.  This blows my mind as we are called to help our little infants and toddlers to experience life in all its forms…not always defaulting to the digital/virtual one.  In the car, my son has books, toys, writing pads, stickers and all the like.  I refuse to hand him my phone and now have determined that I don’t even want DVD players in any future cars either. 

Again, it’s not a necessity and we certainly should not help them nurse a dependence on this sort of instantaneous entertainment that will always have to be trumped somehow.  Why miss out on the conversations you can have with your toddler about what we see on our way to the grocery store or mall?   My son will sometimes recalled up to half a dozen times in a week something we saw last week–it is fascinating how their mind makes connections without the constant feed of a video on a phone that would only serve to distract them from their surroundings.  Don’t we want to help our kids have a better grasp on people and things around them on a daily basis?  Is it worth the silence and not being “bothered” by your child when in several years you’ll have a teenager who has no empathy or depth of perception in the real world?

CLOSING OF PART ONE

I want to write further on this subject and I welcome any comments or criticisms as I know my tone can sound pretty convicting.  If I want anything to be remembered from this it’s that I feel it’s more important to put aside these smart devices and play with them on our own time than our child’s time. 

RVSB

Virtual Schooling: An Alternative to Both Homeschooling and Conventional Public or Private Schooling

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Quick Note:  Apologies to my frequent readers, life has been a busy ride with many stops along the way in the past month that has rendered me paralyzed from writing more on this site–however, I hope to remedy that dry spell in the coming weeks–read on!

On Monday, October 18, 2010, our local newspaper The Palm Beach Post ran a front page article by Kevin D. Thompson entitled “In A Class By Themselves” that could be easily missed by most of us harried parents (especially those in stewardship of children 4 years and younger).   Even if you don’t have time to read my blog, please look at the link of this article if you are still mulling over what your options are for the education of your child.  You should be able to pull the link here: http://www.palmbeachpost.com/news/schools/palm-beach-county-students-benefit-from-virtual-classroom-977282.html?cxtype=rss_news or you may also search on their website: www.palmbeachpost.com

I don’t know where I’ve been in the past several years but after reading this article I found out that it’s been a growing phenomenon to have students from pre-kindergarten age through 12th grade attending some type of school online.  The article cites research data from groups like Ambient Insight and the International Association for K-12 Online Learning who “reports that the number of students taking classes online is growing 30 percent annually.”

Evidently in our own Palm Beach County here in South Florida, we have almost 300 students currently enrolled in the 2010-11 school year and I’m truly excited to hear that there are actually three virtual schools available to our students in this county.  The major difference between a student in virtual school or being home-schooled is that with virtual schooling the student  takes classes online and their parents supervise and encourage while there are state-certified teachers who communicate with the student “regularly through e-mail, voice mail, phone conversations, virtual meeting sites and instant messages to complete the course work.”

It is so refreshing to find out that there is another option for parents who are seeking an alternative to sending their kids to the public or private schools in their areas.  We have a couple of generations now following the infamous “generation X” that have graduated from high school with some apathetic senses of being and as we’re raising our own children we fear sending them into educational systems that only remind us of those endless hours of boredom, frustration, harassment and so forth.

There are two major factors that I feel appeal to parents regarding the virtual education choice: one is definitely cost as most programs are free and open to every student (at least in Florida’s case), the second is the fact that the actual mantle of teaching falls on the state-certified instructors who teach at these virtual schools.  The cost factor explains itself, the teacher factor is helpful for those parents who although they look forward to being involved on a daily basis in their child’s education–they may not feel comfortable enough to be the solely responsible adult teaching as in the case with some homeschooling programs.

This article does cite the standard cons of online learning (and perhaps, tongue-in-cheek about home-schooling as well) that include the thought that maybe these students lose out on interaction with other kids their age and don’t get the socialization that they would in a four-walled classroom.  I personally dismiss that idea immediately as there are so many opportunities for our children these days than when we ourselves were kids in the 70s and 80s (no offense please to the older generations).  It’s just that with all the mommy-and-me programs, sports, religious organizations, internet society and other extracurriculars, I think that kids these days are actually overstimulated to the point of apathy or burnouts.

The other side of this discussion is mentioned in this article and it refers to the teachers who are behind the virtual education and the fact that they are able to be more communicative with their students as they’re involved in writing and responding to them instead of just standing in front of a classroom.  I think this is a great career move for teachers out there who have becoming discouraged in their work because they spend so much time focused on disciplining their students instead of actually educating them on the curriculum at hand.

In the end it always comes down to the parents’ decision on what type of education program is best for their children.  It’s just nice to know that you now have more choices that each carry pros/cons.  In my mind, as I ponder my toddler’s future academic career, I am looking at public/private schooling, home-schooling and now Florida’s virtual schools.  Best of luck as you assist your beloved children, just remember you are always their first and most important teacher in life!

RVSB

Nature as God’s Classroom…

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Gardening or farming is not for everyone as a hobby or career, however, I do believe it should be part of our education as children with refresher courses in our adulthood.

This past weekend I worked in my garden and mini-fruit tree orchard with a hired hand to go through my approximately 25 x 75 foot raised bed garden and surrounding area weeding, mulching, digging and planting.  My subject of my nature lesson on Saturday became dramatically clear as we bagged nearly half a dozen black lawn bags with unwanted weeds and dead vegetation.  How do my plants survive through adversity?  Translation:  How do we humans fare in adversity?

In my nearly twenty years of active “gardening” of some sort, I have often run into living analogies of our humanity in the natural world of plants and organisms.  As I’ve matured in my adult life, I’m comforted by witnessing both the triumphs and failures of things in nature as they echo of my own life experiences up to present.

This past Saturday’s lesson is a repeat, I’ve seen it before but I never get bored with its wisdom revealed.  Of the 9 fruit-bearing trees that I’ve planted in the corner of my mother’s property, 5 of them are actually growing well and thriving.  The remaining four have been a struggle to keep from withering away.  Conventional wisdom would have us infer that the five trees which are doing well had been meticulously monitored since their planting complete with consistent water, perhaps a protecting plastic for the young trunks, clean mulch lacking weeds, good feed and soil and so forth.  The reality is that I was only able to really pay special mind to the four trees that are now barely clinging to life–they have been hit with water stress, bugs, molds, fatigue, et cetera.

What does that say?  Does it mean I let the five go on untouched?  No, actually, I have gone in a couple of times this year and cleared the five healthy trees of their choking weeds, refreshed their soil, put down mulch again, fed them and pruned.  However, I did allow them to weather the trials of a record summer of heat in Florida, bear the burden of giant ant hills and thick weeds.  Basically, I didn’t try to protect them from any and all adversity that could strike them.  I did endure guilty feelings this season as I thought I was truly neglecting them and would suffer their loss.  Instead, as I would clean them up periodically, I found that they had gained strength, built immunities, grown thicker and taller and overall have a bright future of bearing me healthy fruit yields in future seasons.

As the worker and I finished our labor this weekend, I walked and inspected each of my nine fruit trees individually.  I’m still amazed by what seems such a backward logic to many of us, especially parents.  By allowing some of my young trees to fend for themselves on a number of naturally occurring elements, I essentially ensured that they would garner their own armor and future strength reserve for battles ahead.  While my poor four trees that I donned so much attention on ended up stifling them and rendering them ill-equipped for the unforseen weather patterns and bug raids that would occur in this summer season.

For myself, this lesson yielded a few layers of personal learning.  As a parent, it tells me that it’s okay to not hover over my son constantly in certain situations.  Obvious things aside like danger of drowning or being burned by the stove, it does benefit my son to let him navigate some social situations on his own or witnessing him making mistakes in a play scenario so that he can nurture his own sense of troubleshooting through things.  As a wife, it reminds me that my husband and I will sometimes feel that God has gone silent in our marriage when we seem to be capsizing in one of life’s tumultuous storms out in the proverbial sea.  But as we cling to each other and our love for our Maker, we will weather those storms and truly enjoy the stronger vessel our love is as we sail gorgeous seas together.  As a friend, it comforts me that while I cannot always properly nurture all my relationships, this doesn’t mean that I will be destined to lose any particular friend as there are those whom we cross paths with in this life that are not affected by the passage of our human time.

This is a pretty inexhaustible subject and yet I wanted to share it with all of you because we are so busy in our lives that when a nature lesson like that hits me with precious information that can help everyone I want to shout it out to the world…so I type this post to you world.

Happy Labor Day!

R.V.S.B.

When Your Child Gets a Right Hook from Another Child…

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What happens when you witness your child get a right hook square on his mouth from another child?

This is a question I don’t ponder very often until actually faced with its reality as happened earlier today.

My son and I were at our local beach park this morning and enjoying the shallows in a small inlet area that protected us from the full fury of the Atlantic ocean (thanks Hurricane Earl).  It was a pretty uneventful morning that included our friends with their son about the same age.  The boys were enjoying the sand, water and exchanging food and toy dump trucks. 

There were other parents with the same idea who had come to the same watering hole and were scattered along the small shore as the kids played together or apart.  It’s always great people-watching in specific groups like today where you could mentally label yourself and the other moms around.  There’s the sun-phobic mom with her kids covered head-to-toe in protective fabrics, there’s the junk-food mom handing her kids unlimited amounts of Cheetos and Pepsi soda, there’s the granola-mom with her organic celery and carrot sticks for snacks and I’m no exception as I probably resemble the crazy-European-mom with my son running around in a swim brief diaper alone with organic strawberries in his hand and all over his face!

With this flavorful but simple setting described in full detail, I now can properly relay the following shocker.

A mother and her son had been close to my son and his friend for at least an hour.  This child was probably in the range of 4 to 6 years old.  He had one of those sun hats on that cover the ears, neck and tie underneath the chin.  He also had a long-sleeved swimshirt on and trunks that fit like capri-length.  His mother was the only one at the shore there that hadn’t taken off her coverup.  The boy gravitated to our two boys and they gladly shared their beach toys with him, impressive for toddlers!  We had gone in for another dip in the water when the mother was preparing her son to leave.  Most of us Florida moms will take our children to the shower or water faucets provided to wash off the sand and such–many with smaller children will just strip their child in a tasteful manner in order to remove the excess sand and then quickly towel them and take them to our respective vehicles.  This mother may not have been aware of the local custom as she proceeded to strip her older son right on top of the little beach wall next to where everyone was wading into the water.  Perhaps it wouldn’t have made such a sight if the poor child had some color instead of South Pole Polar Bear white.  Nevertheless, I caught myself in my mental judgement and shrugged off that maybe she was having a bad day as I watched with my girlfriend as she began to dress the older boy in (surprise!) a long-sleeved shirt and pants.  She had been scolding him almost nonstop that morning and said something to him again (in a language I think contained Spanish, but might be Portuguese or even Argentinean).  At that same moment I was watching as my son was walking along the sand behind them and stretching his arms with a yawn.  In a moment too quick for a breath I witnessed this other boy suddenly turn to my son, give a terrible glance and then his right arm extended fully straight and swung straight at my baby smacking him squarely on the mouth. (!) I lunged forward as my son’s eyes darted immediately toward me as he stumbled back for a moment but didn’t fall.  His face paled and eyes widened as his hands dropped to his side and his mouth made that pitiful upside-down “U” that many of us parents are familiar with but it makes your stomach churn.  As that moment passed, my son’s arms reached for me as I sped toward him and scooped him into my embrace.  My peripheral vision caught the mother pulling her son toward her and asking what happened.  I cannot properly distinguish all the different emotions that hit me at once, besides obvious shock, although I do admit there was the irrational “I want to go smack that child back and then pummel the mother while cussing her out in Greek!”.

After a blurry minute or so, I ended up slipping on the sandbag pilings next to the sea wall–making sure to get my son into the water safely while allowing my all my toes on my right foot be simultaneously stubbed and sprain my ankle.  My friend gathered him up while I regained my composure.  I looked at the mother and son now about 25 feet away from us and decided on impulse to do the following: I took my son back into my arms, made sure he was okay.  Besides clinging to me like a newborn monkey, he hadn’t cried one tear or made a sound.  I then proceeded to explain to him that I was sorry this just happened to him but he must try to understand that this boy may not be aware of what just happened and that I hoped if the child did that he may have not meant it.  All the while, I’m walking up to the mom as she is frantically finishing his buttons and such.  She asks me quickly and quietly in her thick accent, “Is he ok?”  I respond, “Yes, he’s fine, he’s just in shock.”, without looking at me again she tells me, “Well, yes, so am I”.  In turn I no longer try to engage visual contact with this mother but instead look straight into her son’s eyes and proceed to address my son that, “It’s okay, baby, this boy didn’t mean to hurt you and as his mom is saying, he is sorry”.  She was telling him at the same time to say sorry but he didn’t start saying it until I said that to my son.  The child is now saying “sorry, sorry, sorry” repeatedly in a voice just above a whisper.  I tell my son that “see, he apologizes and says sorry”, then I took my son’s hand and reached and took her son’s hand and put their hands together telling her child that we accept and thank you for the apology.  We then spun around and left them promptly as they hastily left the beach park as we waded back into the water.

I honestly don’t know what possessed me to go the extra mile after that shocking incident even though the mother had made no effort to check that we were okay after her son’s violent outburst.  But looking back at it tonight I realize that it may have been my personal nurturing instinct.  At the same time of wanting to help my son recover from that blatant injustice I also wanted to reach out and touch that other child’s life if it’s the only time I ever see him in this world–I wanted this child to know there is such a thing as reconciliation, forgiveness and the opportunity at another chance to do better.  As my friend astutely noted, we don’t know what this mother’s life is like.  Maybe she’s abused by a man or maybe she’s the abuser and the child is only repeating what he sees.  It could be the child just is a troublemaker with no clear reason as to why.  Either way, I guess parents do share the awesome responsiblity of not only trying to raise their own children to be better citizens of the world, but also other people’s children as well.

I can’t tell you what to do if you see your child having an injustice inflicted upon him or her.  If I may, though, I would encourage you to try to pursue the reaction that would be best for all the children involved even if it involves reprimand–it can be constructive and hopefully healing.

Parent on,

R.V.S.B.

The Art of Saying “No”…Does It Really Exist?

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I’m still amazed at the frenetic pace of my life sometimes.  I wonder does everyone else feel the same way about how quickly and how many things we go through on a daily, weekly and monthly basis?  Is it really within our power to simply our lives by saying “no” to people and circumstances?

FAMILY

I begin with this subtitle because it is what many of us are most familiar with.  Our parents. Our siblings. Our cousins. Our aunts and uncles. Family consists of many different titles but the urgency is usually the same.  I really can’t say “no” to family but I can try to set boundaries and perhaps corral requests as a cattle farmer herds his cows.  This is never an easy task, however, and I caution that some forethought should be involved before speaking.  My standard habit is to ingest the request(s) and let it filter through my mind while managing small talk in between.  If it’s a low-key item or two, I can easily respond in the positive.  If it’s more complicated, I usually stall an answer and say I’ll get back to them on that or some other clever response.  In my heart I would never really want to be able to say no to beloved family since I do love them and truly desire to help them through the bumps of this physical life we lead.

FRIENDS

Being in my thirties now I’m definitely learning some hard lessons in the friends department as well as enjoying the immense blessings.  I’ve read many a magazine article that breaks down all the “types” of friends one can have and how to mitigate conflicts that may arise.  Many times I try to pre-empt my colleagues by offering to be available whether by verbal communication or by spirit in prayer because I do want them to know that I’m not just a fair-weather type of friend. Yet life has a way of predetermining which friends can weather my personal storms of life and I need to just let go and know it’s okay to say “no” inside when I wonder if I should reach out one more time.  Also, if a friend is a constant drain on energy sources then it may be time to set some distance to help recharge and reassess the relationship.  Again, never easy.

WORK

Our jobs seem to have spilled over into our personal lives since the advent of cell phones, internet communication and long, unnecessary hours.  Add to that the scarce holiday, vacation and personal days and we have a society filled with stressed singles, marrieds and parents that try to balance their lives with the constant demand of “the man”.  I’m not a sage in this department as my past decade of life included working in the halls of the U.S. Congress, Treasury Department and countless corporate firms where money and hours spent at your job was your merit.  I still can taste the bitterness in my mouth of biting my tongue when the days would grind on endlessly and the boss was a nightmare and I in turn reflected nightmarish tendencies.  At the same time, I remember the day I submitted my resignation when I became pregnant with my son.  I had been looking forward to it for weeks, I knew it was the right choice for me at the time.  Weighing all the pros and cons, I decided it was time to say “no” and consider other options in the aftermath.  I have never regretted the decision.  This is not shared with you to encourage quitting your job in a tough economy such as ours, however, I hope it can inspire you to really examine what is important to you, your family and what type of career would truly complement your zest for life.

BOOKS/SELF-HELP

The art of saying “no” is the soapbox for many writers, psychologists and others.  You can certainly find a book that suits your needs or a CD set that talks about how to get a better grip on your hectic life and hopefully help you lessen the load.

My personal experience is that I seem to move things off my plate just in time to welcome new things.  Perhaps the goal should be to find a “balanced diet” on this life plate that sustains itself through the years.  As my family and close friends know, my spirit always relies on the strength of our Lord as God has an inextinguishable amount of energy sourced by the Universe and Creation itself.  But that is my way of living, you can only know your way yourself.

So my conclusion is that saying “no” is the wrong focus, rather how can we say “yes” and follow through?

R.V.S.B.