Family and/or Personal

When Your Child Gets a Right Hook from Another Child…

/ RVSB / Leave a comment

What happens when you witness your child get a right hook square on his mouth from another child?

This is a question I don’t ponder very often until actually faced with its reality as happened earlier today.

My son and I were at our local beach park this morning and enjoying the shallows in a small inlet area that protected us from the full fury of the Atlantic ocean (thanks Hurricane Earl).  It was a pretty uneventful morning that included our friends with their son about the same age.  The boys were enjoying the sand, water and exchanging food and toy dump trucks. 

There were other parents with the same idea who had come to the same watering hole and were scattered along the small shore as the kids played together or apart.  It’s always great people-watching in specific groups like today where you could mentally label yourself and the other moms around.  There’s the sun-phobic mom with her kids covered head-to-toe in protective fabrics, there’s the junk-food mom handing her kids unlimited amounts of Cheetos and Pepsi soda, there’s the granola-mom with her organic celery and carrot sticks for snacks and I’m no exception as I probably resemble the crazy-European-mom with my son running around in a swim brief diaper alone with organic strawberries in his hand and all over his face!

With this flavorful but simple setting described in full detail, I now can properly relay the following shocker.

A mother and her son had been close to my son and his friend for at least an hour.  This child was probably in the range of 4 to 6 years old.  He had one of those sun hats on that cover the ears, neck and tie underneath the chin.  He also had a long-sleeved swimshirt on and trunks that fit like capri-length.  His mother was the only one at the shore there that hadn’t taken off her coverup.  The boy gravitated to our two boys and they gladly shared their beach toys with him, impressive for toddlers!  We had gone in for another dip in the water when the mother was preparing her son to leave.  Most of us Florida moms will take our children to the shower or water faucets provided to wash off the sand and such–many with smaller children will just strip their child in a tasteful manner in order to remove the excess sand and then quickly towel them and take them to our respective vehicles.  This mother may not have been aware of the local custom as she proceeded to strip her older son right on top of the little beach wall next to where everyone was wading into the water.  Perhaps it wouldn’t have made such a sight if the poor child had some color instead of South Pole Polar Bear white.  Nevertheless, I caught myself in my mental judgement and shrugged off that maybe she was having a bad day as I watched with my girlfriend as she began to dress the older boy in (surprise!) a long-sleeved shirt and pants.  She had been scolding him almost nonstop that morning and said something to him again (in a language I think contained Spanish, but might be Portuguese or even Argentinean).  At that same moment I was watching as my son was walking along the sand behind them and stretching his arms with a yawn.  In a moment too quick for a breath I witnessed this other boy suddenly turn to my son, give a terrible glance and then his right arm extended fully straight and swung straight at my baby smacking him squarely on the mouth. (!) I lunged forward as my son’s eyes darted immediately toward me as he stumbled back for a moment but didn’t fall.  His face paled and eyes widened as his hands dropped to his side and his mouth made that pitiful upside-down “U” that many of us parents are familiar with but it makes your stomach churn.  As that moment passed, my son’s arms reached for me as I sped toward him and scooped him into my embrace.  My peripheral vision caught the mother pulling her son toward her and asking what happened.  I cannot properly distinguish all the different emotions that hit me at once, besides obvious shock, although I do admit there was the irrational “I want to go smack that child back and then pummel the mother while cussing her out in Greek!”.

After a blurry minute or so, I ended up slipping on the sandbag pilings next to the sea wall–making sure to get my son into the water safely while allowing my all my toes on my right foot be simultaneously stubbed and sprain my ankle.  My friend gathered him up while I regained my composure.  I looked at the mother and son now about 25 feet away from us and decided on impulse to do the following: I took my son back into my arms, made sure he was okay.  Besides clinging to me like a newborn monkey, he hadn’t cried one tear or made a sound.  I then proceeded to explain to him that I was sorry this just happened to him but he must try to understand that this boy may not be aware of what just happened and that I hoped if the child did that he may have not meant it.  All the while, I’m walking up to the mom as she is frantically finishing his buttons and such.  She asks me quickly and quietly in her thick accent, “Is he ok?”  I respond, “Yes, he’s fine, he’s just in shock.”, without looking at me again she tells me, “Well, yes, so am I”.  In turn I no longer try to engage visual contact with this mother but instead look straight into her son’s eyes and proceed to address my son that, “It’s okay, baby, this boy didn’t mean to hurt you and as his mom is saying, he is sorry”.  She was telling him at the same time to say sorry but he didn’t start saying it until I said that to my son.  The child is now saying “sorry, sorry, sorry” repeatedly in a voice just above a whisper.  I tell my son that “see, he apologizes and says sorry”, then I took my son’s hand and reached and took her son’s hand and put their hands together telling her child that we accept and thank you for the apology.  We then spun around and left them promptly as they hastily left the beach park as we waded back into the water.

I honestly don’t know what possessed me to go the extra mile after that shocking incident even though the mother had made no effort to check that we were okay after her son’s violent outburst.  But looking back at it tonight I realize that it may have been my personal nurturing instinct.  At the same time of wanting to help my son recover from that blatant injustice I also wanted to reach out and touch that other child’s life if it’s the only time I ever see him in this world–I wanted this child to know there is such a thing as reconciliation, forgiveness and the opportunity at another chance to do better.  As my friend astutely noted, we don’t know what this mother’s life is like.  Maybe she’s abused by a man or maybe she’s the abuser and the child is only repeating what he sees.  It could be the child just is a troublemaker with no clear reason as to why.  Either way, I guess parents do share the awesome responsiblity of not only trying to raise their own children to be better citizens of the world, but also other people’s children as well.

I can’t tell you what to do if you see your child having an injustice inflicted upon him or her.  If I may, though, I would encourage you to try to pursue the reaction that would be best for all the children involved even if it involves reprimand–it can be constructive and hopefully healing.

Parent on,

R.V.S.B.

The Art of Saying “No”…Does It Really Exist?

/ RVSB / Leave a comment

I’m still amazed at the frenetic pace of my life sometimes.  I wonder does everyone else feel the same way about how quickly and how many things we go through on a daily, weekly and monthly basis?  Is it really within our power to simply our lives by saying “no” to people and circumstances?

FAMILY

I begin with this subtitle because it is what many of us are most familiar with.  Our parents. Our siblings. Our cousins. Our aunts and uncles. Family consists of many different titles but the urgency is usually the same.  I really can’t say “no” to family but I can try to set boundaries and perhaps corral requests as a cattle farmer herds his cows.  This is never an easy task, however, and I caution that some forethought should be involved before speaking.  My standard habit is to ingest the request(s) and let it filter through my mind while managing small talk in between.  If it’s a low-key item or two, I can easily respond in the positive.  If it’s more complicated, I usually stall an answer and say I’ll get back to them on that or some other clever response.  In my heart I would never really want to be able to say no to beloved family since I do love them and truly desire to help them through the bumps of this physical life we lead.

FRIENDS

Being in my thirties now I’m definitely learning some hard lessons in the friends department as well as enjoying the immense blessings.  I’ve read many a magazine article that breaks down all the “types” of friends one can have and how to mitigate conflicts that may arise.  Many times I try to pre-empt my colleagues by offering to be available whether by verbal communication or by spirit in prayer because I do want them to know that I’m not just a fair-weather type of friend. Yet life has a way of predetermining which friends can weather my personal storms of life and I need to just let go and know it’s okay to say “no” inside when I wonder if I should reach out one more time.  Also, if a friend is a constant drain on energy sources then it may be time to set some distance to help recharge and reassess the relationship.  Again, never easy.

WORK

Our jobs seem to have spilled over into our personal lives since the advent of cell phones, internet communication and long, unnecessary hours.  Add to that the scarce holiday, vacation and personal days and we have a society filled with stressed singles, marrieds and parents that try to balance their lives with the constant demand of “the man”.  I’m not a sage in this department as my past decade of life included working in the halls of the U.S. Congress, Treasury Department and countless corporate firms where money and hours spent at your job was your merit.  I still can taste the bitterness in my mouth of biting my tongue when the days would grind on endlessly and the boss was a nightmare and I in turn reflected nightmarish tendencies.  At the same time, I remember the day I submitted my resignation when I became pregnant with my son.  I had been looking forward to it for weeks, I knew it was the right choice for me at the time.  Weighing all the pros and cons, I decided it was time to say “no” and consider other options in the aftermath.  I have never regretted the decision.  This is not shared with you to encourage quitting your job in a tough economy such as ours, however, I hope it can inspire you to really examine what is important to you, your family and what type of career would truly complement your zest for life.

BOOKS/SELF-HELP

The art of saying “no” is the soapbox for many writers, psychologists and others.  You can certainly find a book that suits your needs or a CD set that talks about how to get a better grip on your hectic life and hopefully help you lessen the load.

My personal experience is that I seem to move things off my plate just in time to welcome new things.  Perhaps the goal should be to find a “balanced diet” on this life plate that sustains itself through the years.  As my family and close friends know, my spirit always relies on the strength of our Lord as God has an inextinguishable amount of energy sourced by the Universe and Creation itself.  But that is my way of living, you can only know your way yourself.

So my conclusion is that saying “no” is the wrong focus, rather how can we say “yes” and follow through?

R.V.S.B.

Best Laid Plans…

/ RVSB / Leave a comment

This post may resonate mostly with parents but I’m willing to bet it can transcend to those without children of their own.  It’s a simple refrain that’s been nagging me for many years.  It all seemed to begin in those formative years following high school graduation.  The sense that I need to get things done whether it be on a daily basis or that grand master plan we all have called “dreams”.

Best Laid Plans

What happened to that optimistic twenty-something that felt life so vibrantly?  We used to think we were just getting started, our whole lives ahead of us.  Somewhere in the mid-twenties many of us got into a grind of sorts…a starter job that meant we had to work in the “trenches” so to speak before we earned our stripes for that big break in our careers.  Or some of us were just starting to work off those graduate school loans, which meant more mundane tasks in our jobs until we got to that point of self-sufficiency.

The Shift

I can’t pinpoint just when it happened, but somehow my dreams/goals sort of faded out as the reality that my life was really going to change hit home.  For some that means the huge career move up.  Marriage knocks on your door in your thirties.  Or for others, such as in my personal case, children manifest through the most common method through the centuries and voila: your life is not just your own anymore.

Settling In

Once you adjust to this new ride that seems to be barreling toward our mid-lives, you recognize the need to remember why you left your family nest.  What is your spirit driven to do in this lifetime?  Besides the common human traits of coupling, nesting, pro-creating or simply just surviving…what do you hope to accomplish based on your talents and tendencies?  As a wife and mother, I know I’m not going to separate myself but that I can incorporate who I am at the core and what I’ve always aimed to do in life with my current status.

Re-adjust, Adapt and Thrive

You wake up on a Thursday morning in August, you have a mental list of things to do.  You get maybe a third of them done.  You mentally plan to do some of those odds and ends at night, after dinner, after everything basic is attended to…you end up hitting the leftover Ben and Jerry’s ice cream carton in the freezer as you watch some mindless show on TV before passing out.  We’ve all done it.

I’m not claiming to always be ambitious and disciplined enough to follow through on my whims/dreams/or desires.  However, it is possible to take “baby steps” and tell yourself to take a day or a night out of a week and devote it to all those “best laid plans”.  You will accomplish more and make the mark you’re meant to in this lifetime if you just try a little adjustment and adaptation to whatever your life circumstance is right now.  The cost of not trying at all would be to never thrive again as you promised yourself to when you were 22.

RVSB

Bilingual Education: A Two-Way Street of Learning

/ RVSB / Leave a comment

When people ask me what language I learned first as a child, I find that question difficult to answer one way or another.  The fact is both my parents had recently left Europe when I was born a mere few weeks later in the United States.  I assume that I heard them speak both languages (Greek and English) and just used English more during my scholastic years.  It actually wasn’t until my early twenties that I had a renewed interest in speaking more Greek among my peers when I joined young adult groups through the Greek Orthodox church.  I was thankful that my mother had instilled a basic vocabulary in me so that I could build on it.

After I found out I was pregnant with my son back in 2007, I knew immediately that I wanted to speak to him in Greek.  When folks would ask me if I would I answered them affirmatively.  Then I realized that I did know a little bit of French from my school years and would also like to share that language with him while also learning more myself.

The first year of my son’s life I found it quite easy to settle into speaking Greek to him when home alone with him.  Usually my words were simple and sentences short, I figured this would be easier than I thought. How silly right?

Now as my son has barreled past his 2-year-old birthday, I have begun to realize my limitations.  Reading his English books have become a little more complicated in Greek, explaining things around us like a mini-lecture series for toddlers has also become dicey in Greek.  In fact, I’ve been humbled by the fact that my vocabulary is limited in Greek and now I need to learn more.  So together I’ve sat with my son through Greek video or computer programs.  My mother-in-love sent us the Rosetta Stone for Greek.

As my son T.A. spouts out words in both English and Greek everyday, my husband and I find ourselves going to “school” at night with our educational assistance.  It turns out that teaching your child another language benefits yourself as well.

I still share some French with my son and am blessed by the fact that there are loved ones in his life that also know French like his great Aunt and music teacher.  I have asked these ladies to let loose in French to him, I suspect it’s also been great practice for them.

Then there is the peer exposure.  My son and I have started a friendship this summer with another mother and son–the mother is from Slovakia.  She and I continue to chat in English while we also speak our Greek and Slovakian to our sons together.  We have noticed how the boys have swapped some words with each other and use them in their limited toddler conversations.  “Kok” means kick in Slovakian and my son says it repeatedly now when we go swimming in the pool and ocean.  I get a kick out of the fact that my son is speaking even one or two words of Slovakian without me even trying to teach him.

If you haven’t begun another language for your child or children, it’s never too late.  What’s better is if you participate in their learning process, even if you have a foreknowledge of the language.  I believe there are only benefits to knowing another language or two or three, et cetera. 

Many in the U.S. will pick Spanish as a second language to teach their children, that’s not a bad thing but it’s also not the only language you need to consider.  Try to pick something you and your partner in parenting will both be enthusiastic about so that the child(ren) will sense that this is something worthy to know and speak.

There is so much I can say on this subject but I just wanted to get the message out that teaching your kids more than just English is really a great idea and promotes extra-curricular education for both you and your child.  We have so many resources at hand now, like children videos, computer software and even classes for little ones pre-kindergarten.  If you have older kids, pick a country/region you would really like to vacation to one day as a family and make it a goal to learn that language on a conversational level.  Bilingual education is most effective when it becomes an activity involving the entire family, not just sending the kids to a language class in school.

RVSB

Mosquito Warning For South Florida Parents

/ RVSB / Leave a comment

If you are a parent in South Florida, you may have seen the recent news release this past week about the Dengue fever outbreak that’s been discovered in Key West.  You can Google search the Palm Beach Post’s headline from Wednesday, July 14: “Surge of dengue virus hits Key West”.

Here’s the short list of what Dengue fever is:

  • Also known as “break-bone fever”
  • High fever, pain behind eyes, bone and joint pain, nausea and vomiting
  • Symptoms start within 4 days of bite, pass in usual less than a week
  • There are more severe forms that would require medical attention because of internal and external bleeding (3-4 of the cases in Key West involved bleeding episodes)

At the same time, we must remember that even if this Dengue fever spreads north to the rest of Florida, we still have another disconcerting mosquito-borne illness to contend with.  No, it’s not just West Nile virus—an illness that most people get through unharmed if contracted.  Evidently there was a recent death of a horse attributed to Eastern equine encephalitis.  Thankfully, even with the high mortality rate in people, Eastern equine encephalitis only claims 5-6 human cases every year.

My son and I have already earned our summer season welts and broken skin bites on our legs, arms, back, belly and neck.  I feel slightly remiss as a parent for not trying to protect ourselves better.  But what are our options these days?

Off! and other brands that are known for their sprays, wipes and lotions with DEET concern me and I tend to avoid them unless absolutely necessary.  Basically I was “turned off” to Off! after an experience over a year ago that I’ve since recalled to many friends:  When my son was an infant, one of my ways of exercising in his first year was to put him in my Bob running stroller.  In Florida, the peak times for the mosquitoes seems to be early morning and late in the day.  My runs were usually in the morning and I would clip a couple of Off! fans to the stroller for the baby but I would still spray myself with Off! because my arms would take a hit otherwise.  One morning I came to the stroller and picked up my Off! spray bottle that I’d left on top of the stroller.  To my horror, I realized as I lifted the bottle that some had spilled on the see-through plastic intended to spy on baby while using and the Off! had eaten a large hole in it!  After that I realized that the chemicals in this stuff were too toxic for our skin, let alone our children’s.

I have found the bug bands to be useful, you can find them at stores like Gander or even Bed Bath and Beyond.  They are plastic, adjustable bands that have certain oils (like geranium and lavender) that help deter the blood-sucking mosquitoes.  The only downside is they are temporary and disposable.  They usually last up to 72 hours if used consecutively.

There are also some natural products that are out there, like at Whole Foods stores for instance.  Those are hit and miss though.  Some are not really affective, some too oily/greasy and others just difficult to find or too expensive.

You can always look at getting an electric bug zapper or this new thing available at Home Depot that is the size of a large sippy cup and runs with a little bit of gas and helps keep mosquitoes away at a certain perimeter.  Some gardening catalogs like www.gardeners.com have some great anti-mosquito products.

Those who are veteran Florida parents also know about ways to help keep the mosquito population down: getting rid of standing water, treating small ponds with mosquito repellents that are biologically safe.

It’s a sad truth, but we have to face the mosquito questions every year in Florida and those who have children are especially on high alert.  Arm yourselves with what you think is right for your family and hopefully you can minimize this season’s bites.

RVSB

Who is Salt?

/ RVSB / Leave a comment

Perhaps it’s best that one of the action flicks of the summer 2010 would be entitled “Salt”.  Although the film starring Angelina Jolie has little to nothing to do with nutrition, the connotation is valid as the concerns over sodium in our American diet has the recurring headline theme in many media pieces including today’s Palm Beach Post article in the Accent section “Is Salt At Fault”.  You can find Ms. Staci Sturrock’s report online at http://www.palmbeachpost.com/health/why-salt-in-your-diet-could-be-the-783042.html

It was probably about five years ago that I really started to pay attention to the salt buzz.  I admit I scoffed at the idea of cutting down my salt intake as I am a professed lover of salty things divine such as Greek feta, Kalamata olives, other tangy cheeses, chips and the list goes on.  

Being a busy twenty-something with nothing but career-climbing and a young husband in mind, I figured that we were healthy and didn’t need to worry about salt unless we were diagnosed with something that prescribed omission of the condiment.  How very ignorant I was, the proverbial blissful existence was what I was leading.

It wasn’t until we had family that was facing health issues that demanded attention, including cutting the salt, that we finally started to examine the idea more closely.  If you get to read Ms. Sturrock’s piece, you may learn for the first time that many of our processed foods already include an incredible amount of salt and you may not recognize it in the ingredients listed.

My daily dinner menu for my family now focuses on trying to put together meals that come from the freshest possible items.  By cutting out the processed foods I have more control over just how much seasoning is used, including salt.  In the process I’ve learned some fun tricks, like how lemon or lime can help season certain vegetables like artichokes and asparagus, thus reducing the reliance on salt.

Ms. Sturrock’s article does a good job of stating statistics sourced from the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) as well as polling from health specialists.  She reports that the FDA is “considering a plan to place restrictions on the amount of salt that manufacturers are allowed to add to processed foods.”  Toward the end of Ms. Sturrock’s piece, Dr. Andy Larson of South Florida’s JFK Medical Center brings up another valid concern about our diet saying ” ‘are we sure that we want to single out salt when the real problem is the junk calories in the food — the processed flours and unnecessary vegetable oils that have the calories.?’ ”

My one political comment concerning Ms. Sturrock’s report would be that I’m not so sure that I support government mandates on what food producers put out on the consumer market.  As a proponent of personal responsibility, I truly believe if Americans en masse start shopping for fresher or low-sodium alternatives, companies will take notice and react accordingly to supply the demand of the consumers.  More government intervention means more tax dollars out the door and so I think we are adults that can be responsible for the choice of getting the white-caked french fries or finding another choice of potato preparation.

My husband and I have noticed how the overall reduction of salt in our diet has benefited us health-wise.  Of course we’re not perfect and there are times that we probably far exceed the daily recommended 2300 mg (a teaspoon size) of sodium–especially when eating out at a restaurant or the ever-forbidden fast-food joint such as McDonald’s (you know that’s not fairy dust on the fries).

It turns out that if you can try to weed out processed foods in your daily diet, you’ll end up tackling other nutrition pitfalls.  I’m not suggesting you go for the “raw diet” that has become quite the fad in some circles, but there are ways you can incorporate more simple ingredients.  For example, when you make pasta dinners, why not reach for a can or jar of diced tomatoes or tomato sauce sans salt and then add your own Italian flare: it can be fresh or dried herbs of your own choice and perhaps just a pinch of sea salt and sugar, voila spaghetti sauce a la your creation!

Who is Salt? I still want to watch the Jolie movie, hopefully the subliminal effect of its title will help us remember to pay a little more mind to sodium’s place in our diets so that we don’t have to halt the salt completely when we hit our sixties or seventies.

Note: For those already above the aforementioned age-group, I hope you’re mitigating your diet as needed, for more information you can check our government’s guidelines: www.fda.gov

R.V.S.B.

The Best Wealth in the World: Family Reunion Reflections

/ RVSB / Leave a comment

People often make the assumption that because I’m a first-generation Greek-American, my family life must resemble the circus-like daily drama as seen in the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” several years ago.  Yet in my case, I came from parents who each were without siblings to begin with and beyond that scarce on aunts and uncles.  In the end, by my teenage years, my family consisted of myself, my mother and my younger brother and sister.

Having shared that information I must quickly follow up and make it crystal clear that I love my small family fiercely and although we have our differences as all kin do, I’m ever grateful that I have them to share the burdens and joys of this earthly existence.  At the same time, as I approach my tenth wedding anniversary this month, I’m also overwhelmed with gratitude for the family I inherited through marriage to my husband.  I refer in heart and mind to my in-laws as “in-loves” since that is how I received them from the moment I said “I do”.

This sentimental post comes on the coattails of a long road trip that my husband and son took up north to gather with the families that get together every two years in a different location to celebrate our family as a whole and as individuals.  Some years we can make it and others perhaps not, but I always endeavor to try especially now that my 2-year-old can truly appreciate the fun he can have with his countless cousins.  So far extended in either direction is this family that it’s actually easier to just refer to many as our “cousins-in-loves” since we have no idea how complicated the family chart could get in connecting it with proper titles.

As we relaxed by a lake and chatted with family members both young and old and in the middle of the rat race such as my husband and I,  we found common ground to share as well as new experiences to swap since we last all saw each other.  My heart continued to burst every time I saw my son enjoying playing with the other children, all his family that he’s inherited from his parents.  It’s the best wealth in the world that we can leave to him even after we may leave this earthen plane.

If you’re part of a family that has reunion get-together and haven’t been yet, I highly recommend it.  Perhaps you may need to spear head such an event if it’s never been done in your family clan. 

I know there are those that would rather skip the intermingling with their family because of issues like “Omigosh, do we have to listen to Great Uncle So-and-So drone on?”.  My only caution is that we shouldn’t let petty annoyances get in the way of touching base with extended family because there is a priceless wealth in what we can learn about ourselves, our spouses and our children by listening to the oral histories of family.  Note: Of course, in cases of domestic abuse and other such tragedies, it is acceptable to avoid contact such as I must in the case of my paternal side.

Life is full of so many hectic days that we often lose touch with our families–no matter that we have iPhones and e-mail and whatever the latest networking technology is.  Family reunions make us literally carve out time to just dwell among the team made up of blood and marriage ties that weaves a tapestry richer than money could ever buy.

R.V.S.B.

Tales from the Toddler Tides…#023

/ RVSB / Leave a comment

What would we do in this world without our toddlers?  They help us slow down, perhaps actually force us to so that we can breathe in life as they do daily.  They present us with curious impromptu challenges, like how do you remove the #2 bathroom feature off your Samsonite luggage after a 6 hour flight across a continent?

This particular tale is tedious and maybe boring at best for most of you. However, I wanted to share its simplicity as my abandonment to the occurence lightened my usual parental moodiness.

One of my family members has a very tall, two-tiered staircase that I like to get us up or down as quickly as possible on most days.  The only reason we really go upstairs in this house is to take a nap and get reprieve from our hot and humid days here in South Florida.

The other day we had arisen from our nap and were making our way down the stairs.  Mr. Independence has decided lately that he can make it down the stars himself as long as he holds onto the railing and has Mama within arm’s length just in case.  So we’re beginning our descent on the top couple stair steps and I’m allowing him his safe personal space when suddenly he stops in his tracks.

“What’s wrong?” I ask him in Greek…he just looks at me and then promptly sits down on the second step.  His right hand still holding on to the wrought iron railing, his left arm extends downwards along his side and his left hand pats the stair step beckoning me to sit beside him.

My gut parental reaction is to be the responsible, stressed-out adult and ask him to stop the nonsense and drag or carry him down the stairs.  However, thank God, for a moment I soften and decide to take my son’s invitation and I sit down right next to him, my right arm hovering behind him and my right leg extended in front of him (I can’t completely shut down the worry wart in me, gotta make sure he’s not taking a tumble).

Once I’ve settled beside him, he begins to point at particular items in the room below, naming some himself while asking me to declare others.  After he’s made his initial scan, I follow his lead as he goes down a few more stairs only to stop a couple more times along the way.  The routine is similar but each object he points out is different, never repeating.  In other words, methodical.

It seemed that once he was satisfied and had made it down the stairs, he relinquished the floor back to Mama and my agenda ruled again as I began to lead him to what our next activity was. 

Sometimes it’s not a bad idea to go along with a toddler’s whims.  In this case it was relatively harmless, it just required me to be patient and to enjoy the moment.  The unfortunate reality is that as parents we are many times just trying to survive the passing moments each day as we pummel forward with raising our offspring and meeting all other demands of our individual lives. 

Thankfully, the toddlers of the world help not only their parents but others around them to try to savor the obscure and ordinary moments of life.  I must remind myself of that daily lest I plod right through the precious opportunities to enjoy the unexpected.

RVSB

Can Friendships Endure in Different Seasons?

/ RVSB / 1 Comment

After returning to South Florida following several back-to-back weeks of traveling, I’ve got a heavy heart in regards to friendships.

We all have family, we either adore them, tolerate them, despise them and the list goes on.  When it comes to friendships, they are usually a mature result from starting as knowing someone as an acquaintance, friend-of-a-friend, colleague, work-mate and so on.  Difference is simple: we’re born into families, it’s friends that we can choose in life.

When various seasons of life befall us, it’s usually a hands-on-deck type transition and we all hope and pray that our friends will stand by us or at least keep talking to us even if it seems like all of sudden we have nothing in common. 

For those of you who are reading this, if you are a parent you may be particularly sensitive to my tone already.  If you are a DINK (double income no kids), then you possibly may know where I’m going if you have a lot of single friends and other friends with tons of children.  If you are single, perhaps you understand this pain more than any of the above.

The pain I’m referring to what can be felt during the endurance-action phase of a friendship when the two parties are in completely different time zones, planets, maybe even opposite galaxies in the universe.

In the last few weeks, I’ve had several clashes in understanding another with separate friends.  Without naming anyone I can honestly say that looking back at the situations, I admit I may have been in the wrong but certainly never intended to hurt/insult/ignore/lose touch…et cetera.

One recent acquaintance of mine has two children under the age of four right now.  She told me, “When you become a parent, you’re not the captain of your ship anymore”.  I couldn’t say it better.

At the same time, I grieve for the fact that while I am immersed in my current status as “married with child” plus all the specific responsibilities on me, I seem to lose touch or empathy for those beloved friends of mine who are in such different stages from me.  Neither is in a better or more mature place, it’s just DIFFERENT and difficult to catch each other in appropriate conversation or give the necessary attention.

I insulted someone because I couldn’t pay more attention to them while my toddler son was running a 103 degree fever at a social function…it devastated me that they were so hurt and left before I could properly pay them their due respect.  When you’re a mother you hardly are able to wash your hair enough or keep your nails pretty or make your husband happy—basically the deck of cards is stacked up and  taller than Mt. Everest when you’re a parent.

In the past year I lost touch with a friend of over a decade because we were on such opposite spectrums of life for a moment in time as well as opposite sides of the continent.  It tears me apart inside now that I missed major moments of joy as well as sorrow in her life that I would gladly desire to walk beside through but just couldn’t.

Then there are those I’ve weathered every possible ‘weirdness factor’ and we are still friends for life and I don’t doubt that we always will be.

A beloved friend of mine finally ‘came out’ to me in the past year and though we hadn’t spoken in so many years, we picked up where we left off as if nothing ever happened.  I expect us to sip that metamucil mimosa one day as old farts in our eighties on some beach cottage porch together.

Another friend and I have seen her through singleness, courtship, engagement and finally married to settling in their own new home and by God’s will a family to boot in the future. What a joy and peace I feel as we have seen each other through thick and thin, even our own disagreements with each other.

I share these tidbits from countless others to demonstrate that there is a way for us to continue our relationships in life through even the most drastic of seasons…however, it does take two to help give it strength to grow and sometimes as much as it hurts, we must let go of a friendship if it cannot be nurtured.

Again, I admit that unfortunately I’m not the greatest friend. It was one thing when I married my husband, it took me a couple of years to get into the swing of being aware of my friends’ needs.  When I became a mother, I could hardly keep up with sensing what my husband and family needed, let alone my friends.

Any friends of mine reading this, I hope I’ve personally apologized to you whenever I’ve slighted or downright hurt you in present or past. If not, please forgive me for that and additionally for having to write it in a website blog post as it is impersonal and perhaps downright tacky.

Alas, I am R.V.S.B., a fallen soul like the rest on Earth that keeps trying to learn how to love God and my fellow souls better.

R.V.S.B.